literature

Wintersun

Deviation Actions

noirre's avatar
By
Published:
966 Views

Literature Text

In the beginning of this entity known as 'us',
when you were still but a fascinating mystery
little by little, the soul you opened up for me
brought a spring to my life;
your laughter was the first sparrow's flight,
your whisper the southern breeze
your smile a sprouting daffodil
and your touch
a heatstroke I craved for,
I basked in it – forgetting,
that seasons change because they must

Became summer, became autumn

and now that the house you live in
has grown watertusks on its eaves
you've become the Wintersun
and I am the Earth that revolves around you
on this elliptical track I was placed on
I'm further apart from you than ever before
between us the light-years that no longer carry your warmth

and days that shrink
until they no longer exist
Please don't download my poems!

I had the idea for this poem while driving my car in a beautiful, cold sunshine. A few days it simmered in my mind and this is how it ended up.

I would like to know if the beginning is too... Um. Well, too anything, really. I'm worried it's not as creative as the second half of the poem and falls flat. But do feel free to comment on anything you think could use improving.
© 2010 - 2024 noirre
Comments35
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
DreamoftheNightSky's avatar
I don't think the beginning is too anything. It's straightforward/clear, so if you're more of an ambiguous writer (one who likes to challenge the reader with riddles and whatnot), that may not please you.

As for me, I do enjoy ambiguous writing, but I also love poems that have a bit of ambiguity as well as some sections that are more straightforward. I like to know a bit about what the poet is aiming for.

I think in this poem, you have a good balance.

I like this bittersweet poem :)

One question, why a daffodil?